Digital Tools Aren’t Enough
In every school I have worked with, for, or been a parent in, discussions about digital safety inevitably circle back to the same familiar tools: Monitoring apps, firewalls, and usage policies. Parents and educators alike consistently ask, “How do we make sure our children aren’t engaging in risky online behaviour?” And yet, despite the wealth of tools, guidance, and policy, young people continue to face harm, often quietly and behind closed doors.
The data tell a stark story. Thorn’s 2024 Youth Perspectives report shows that one in five minors who experienced an online sexual interaction did not disclose it to anyone, and only 62% turned to a trusted adult, a 9-point drop from the previous year. Even when support is available, minors overwhelmingly rely on digital tools rather than human guidance: 84% used platform safety features compared with only 36% who talked to a caregiver or friend offline. Among 9–12-year-olds who had an online sexual interaction, 24% reported contact with someone they believed to be an adult, up 4 points from the prior year. These statistics aren’t abstract; they are early warning signs that the systems we rely on are not reaching children when they need us most.
The Problem With Fear and Control
It’s tempting to respond to these numbers with more control: tighter monitoring, stricter rules, fear-based conversations. But evidence and experience show that this approach often backfires. I once attended a parent session where the advice on monitoring teenagers’ phones was to keep checking them. I know that sometimes that is valid parenting advice, and I’ve worked with enough teenagers to know the ones I would be asking this of. But, when one parent raised their hand to say, “Okay, but what if they refuse to give it to me? How do we actually do that?”, the response from the expert was blunt, “Remind [them] you bought the phone and you pay the bills, so the phone is yours.”
The room went silent. Connection and the human element had been bypassed entirely.
Let’s contrast that with a moment from my own life. When my son, aged 6, casually mentioned that a friend had talked about sending naked photos (no one was sending pictures; it was playground chatter sparked by an older student’s tech talk), I didn’t react with fear. I leaned in with curiosity and calm. He told me everything, and we were able to navigate the conversation safely, eventually alerting the school in an age-appropriate way.
Presence, not panic, allowed disclosure, discussion, and prevention.
The Fourth P: Presence
These two vignettes illuminate the same truth: digital safeguarding is less about devices and more about adults. It depends on the quality of the human connection between children, parents, and educators. I call this the fourth P of safeguarding: Policy, Procedure, Professional Development, and Presence. Schools are well-versed in the first three, yet Presence remains the most elusive – the human element that ties the rest together.
Presence is not simply being physically there; it is a combination of emotional mastery, curiosity, and relational trust. It is what allows a teacher or parent to pause, reflect, and respond rather than react, to engage children in conversations about their digital lives without fear or blame, and to build partnerships that prevent harm before it happens.
The READ–REFLECT–REDIRECT Framework
In practice, cultivating Presence can be structured through what I call the READ–REFLECT–REDIRECT Framework.
READ the situation: Notice your own emotional response, the child’s cues, and the wider context.
REFLECT on the reasons: Step back and consider the underlying drivers (fear, guilt, desire for control, peer pressure, connection-seeking, neglect).
REDIRECT towards a solution: Respond with clarity, empathy, and calm authority, steering the interaction toward understanding, trust, and safe choices.
This simple, three-step framework helps adults transform moments of tension into opportunities for prevention, disclosure, and guidance.
Presence also underpins my three pillars of practice: Responsibility, Authenticity, and Presence.
Adults must take responsibility for managing their reactions and creating safety. They must be authentic in their curiosity and communication. And they must bring presence into every interaction - with students, with parents, and with colleagues - so that safeguarding becomes something children can experience, not just something adults enforce.
Bridging the Gap Between Adults and Children
The Thorn report highlights another crucial point: Minors are often navigating online risk alone. Many feel they lack a trusted adult, and only a third seek human support even when it’s available.
Without Presence, this gap widens. Adults may be physically present but emotionally stretched and only able to monitor screens rather than model calm curiosity. Yet when educators and parents collaborate, grounded in Presence, children feel safe to disclose risk, share concerns, and engage in dialogue about their online experiences.
I’ve worked with enough schools to see the difference this makes. When parents and educators learn to name their fears instead of act from them, the tone shifts completely. Conversations move from “What were you thinking?” to “Help me understand what happened.” Students open up earlier. Teachers and parents stop reacting to behavior and start responding to emotion. It’s not magic; it’s the simple power of adults who can stay present when things get uncomfortable.
And students know it too. In one school’s tech-safety session, older students were asked what parents should do differently. Every single one emphasised connection, dialogue, and trust – not rules or monitoring. Students already know what works. Adults usually know what to do; Presence gives them the how.
From Compliance to Connection
For schools, embedding Presence starts with reflection. How do we train adults not just to know the rules but to stay calm when those rules are broken? It means reimagining safeguarding not as a compliance exercise but as a shared relational practice – one that includes parents as genuine partners.
Monitoring and control have their place, but they can’t replace the relational skill of Presence. Schools can develop policies, deploy tools, and train staff, but if they don’t equip parents and themselves to communicate with curiosity, empathy, and calm authority, safeguarding remains incomplete.
Presence allows adults to guide, prevent, and respond without eroding trust. It turns moments of tension into opportunities for disclosure and learning.
Presence: The Hill Worth Dying On
Ultimately, the conversation around digital safety must shift from compliance to connection. The focus cannot remain on devices, platforms, or punitive measures. It must centre on human relationships, emotional attunement, and Presence as a proactive force. Presence is the hill worth dying on in digital safeguarding. It’s the fourth P that completes the framework, the skill that translates policy into practice, and the bridge between adult intentions and enacted child safety. Without it, rules remain rules, and devices remain devices. With it, safeguarding becomes something children can trust, and that’s the culture shift that truly keeps them safe.
Anthi Patrikios is a certified master parent coach and parent–child relationship specialist with more than 25 years of experience in education across 25 countries. She is a former International Baccalaureate chemistry and global politics teacher and pastoral leader. Originally from Greece, Anthi lives abroad with her husband, an English learning support teacher, and their son.
