Moving Internationally Over 40

I have moved multiple times in my international teaching career, arriving in new countries: as a teacher, as a Principal, married, in the midst of divorce, fluent in the local language, completely not fluent in the local language, but always childless and petless. I’ve done it in my early 30s, late 30s, early 40s, and recently on the cusp of becoming a quinquagenarian. I have moved to less economically developed countries and ones considered more economically developed. There have been schools that had a well-developed orientation and “social buddy” system, and ones where your initial network was the cadre you arrived with.  Finally, I can add that I have also done it in the middle of a global pandemic, so add quarantines and social distancing to the mix.

Moving internationally means meeting new potential friends every time, sometimes with no prior context. Work relationships, common struggles, small world connections, etc. are a good start, but there are always the less than optimal, uncontrolled variables: spouses that you connect with, hang-ups to former lives, and hobbies that don’t align etc. International schools, or rather schools that are used to a steady influx of non-local teachers, fall into a rhythm. New educators arrive, find their niche, sink or swim in the local cultural melting pot, and then eventually move on, selling their cars and furniture to the next generation. Or they stay, buy property, marry into the community, open a side business and only consider themselves to be a foreigner when it suits them. 

The question I find myself pondering: was this process easier when I was younger because I was more adventurous and open or are older educators facing more obstacles because, although we are also new to the country, we are not perceived as being in need of a social circle?  

So here are my observations after eighteen years of doing this, along with a few suggestions for those of us on the plus side of the answer “to life, the universe, and everything else”. Also, by no means is this to suggest that 40+ are the only ones who experience difficulty in a new place, nor is it to imply that being over 40 is a social death sentence. All situations are unique.

Observation 1: Niches 

Similar to your home country(ies), social niches abound. These can connect to family dynamics, age, entertainment preferences, recreational activities, mobility, and in some locations, your neighborhood.

You may have moved from a place where there was a thriving niche that you fit into perfectly. Perhaps you were a member of a hiking group, or your previous location had a thriving salsa community, or there were no restrictions on alcohol sales. Your new community may be radically different, and what worked there may not work here.

Here are a few suggestions to troubleshoot this incompatibility:

• Ask these questions during your second round interview, but be aware that if the Principal or Head is not part of that niche, they may not be aware of it;
• Ask to be put in touch with current faculty members who can answer some of those questions;
• Do an online search for any publications that target foreigners moving to the community and investigate their calendar of events;
• An obvious source are Facebook communities, which can also get very specific to your niche like geocaching or diving etc;
• Find out which neighborhoods are central for the types of activities you want; Explore the old adage “commute to work, walk to play.” 

Observation 2: Cultural Dynamics

The community you are moving to has well established cultural norms that may impact your normal rhythms of life. This has positive and negative aspects. In one country, I found that it was highly abnormal for someone to invite you into their homes, as all socializing was done in restaurants. As someone who enjoys hosting, I found that a bit less enjoyable sometimes. And it meant that host country nationals and foreign teachers who had localized saw me as the oddball. While many of us enter international schools with an affinity for learning languages, the country you land in may not be the language you are familiar with, so that presents a barrier. You may also find that there are very solid socio-economic barriers present. In some settings, you will be incredibly wealthy compared to the local population, in others you will be comparatively poor. You may have your own financial obstacles such as a mortgage or offsprings’ university fees that make it hard for you to participate.  

There are also countries where the ex-pat/foreigner saturation is so high that host country nationals don’t really pay any attention to non-locals. You are not unique and furthermore, they have no interest in meeting yet another Canadian/American/Brit etc. In other countries, you are a fascination and everyone wants to know how you are finding their country. There is not much you can do about this, so embrace it. After all, it's not your country.  However, being well aware of this in advance, can cut down on culture shock.

Observation 3: Social Infrastructure

Just as every country is unique, international schools are also set up differently. Some may be used to a steady stream of foreign hires and be well set up to accommodate your arrival. In others, you may be swimming on your own for a while. Your colleagues will vary from the self-appointed welcome wagon/social organizer to your co-worker who lives next door and never acknowledges your existence.

It is 100% okay to reach out to your supervisor and tell them you are feeling lonely. And while it is not your Principal’s job to be your friend, they can certainly help you identify people in the community whom you may not have been aware of. Principals and Heads also have a responsibility to encourage existing faculty to reach out and invite new folks in. Sometimes, those who are settled in and comfortable may forget what it was like to be newly arrived. It is not personal, it is just obliviousness.  And that karma could be paid back if they move on to a new community.

Just a note to add that Principals and Heads face their own unique challenges when moving, as the blurry line between staff and supervisors is held differently by different people. Some are comfortable with it, some aren’t. But it could make for lonely experiences if they don’t find a community to join.

Some suggestions on social communities that you could seek to join:

Local sports clubs, painting/photography clubs, international sporting events (e.g. World Cup watching events), book clubs, international organizations (Rotary, British Council), art shows, festivals, salsa communities, movie nights, science events -  the list is pretty endless and may include new hobbies that you hadn’t considered before. Connecting with the official government ministry of culture as well as following the local city government Facebook/Instagram pages for announcements of events is a good idea. 

It is a good rule to say “Yes!” to every invitation for your first semester, and then be choosier later. It is also a reality that many people ultimately find their groove in their second year or even in the second semester of their first year when they come back from holiday and realize this new place is now “home.” For others, it takes more time to make that connection. 

A few other tips that may help people who are new to international schools:

• If there is an Embassy or Consulate community in your new city you should investigate the Community Liaison Office (or CLO). United Kingdom Embassies will call this person the Community Support Officer or Welfare Officer. Canadians have something similar. Their basic job is to connect embassy or consulate staff with social opportunities. Also, many embassies host gala balls at least once a year; this position can connect you to those opportunities.
• Related to embassies, and specific to United States citizens, in some countries there are “American Spaces” where one can arrange meet-ups, play games, check-out books, and attend lectures. An example in Ho Chi Minh City is here.
• Hash House Harriers  (a drinking club with a running problem) is one way to meet lots of locals, but also foreigners who have no connection to the school. Hashes exist all over the world and are actually a good network to use when traveling yourself on holidays.
• Internations is a group that is expressly set up for the purpose of connecting foreigners to each other. They also allow host-country nationals who have had some sort of ex-pat experience to join, so it is a good way to meet locals who are interested in foreigners.
• If you are connected to an LGBTQIA+ community in your current setting, it is highly likely that you have already explored that option in your new location, but if not, ILGA would be your one-stop shop to learn more.
• Many countries have some version of an American International Women’s Association (AIWA) that is open to all nationalities. Although they usually meet on weekday afternoons, you can still join and be made aware of their evening and weekend social and charitable activities
• Habitat for Humanity operates chapters around the world. In Latin American countries there is a similar organization called Techo which would simultaneously scratch the itch to do service and also connect with others.
• In some countries, there are foreign chambers of commerce that host monthly or quarterly events open to the public, such as AmCham or BritCham. 

These ideas work for every age group, but for international teachers over the age of 40, they can serve to smooth the transition.  

With contributing thanks to Vickie Swann, Amy Coquillard, Lori Lauscher, Shawn Allen, and Amber Rhinehart.