“An’ I sit here so patientlyWaiting to find out what priceYou have to pay to get out ofGoing through all these things twice.”Bob Dylan, Stuck Inside Mobile with the Memphis Blues Again
School can be a discouraging experience for some children. They struggle to be successful and to fit in until they realize that they aren’t and don’t. For many boys, the elementary classroom is unfriendly. It is intolerant of their rough and tumble, active characters. Sitting and listening for long periods of time, and the tedious course of the school day with its worksheets, math exercises and cursive writing are uninviting. Boys scrape against the constraints of the room, the demands of schoolwork. Some concede and learn. Some become frustrated and angry and present with behavior challenges.
Boys face an unusual effort to accomplish the developmental, social, and academic goals of elementary school that emphasize reading, writing, and verbal skills. These are cognitive skills that normally develop more slowly in boys than girls. Some boys are ahead developmentally. But, in the elementary school environment, it is the average boy who is developmentally disadvantaged.
Author and psychologist Michael Thompson claims that elementary school is “rigged” against boys, against the higher activity level and lower impulse control that is normal for boys. Teachers and principals try hard to extinguish these boy-like inclinations. The principal at Beau’s school regularly admonishes him for rough recess play; wrestling, spirited soccer games, chasing, and grabbing. “Play nice and be kind,” she demands over the intercom. Occasionally, popular recess soccer games are temporarily suspended for rough and unkind play. Not all, but most of the participants are boys.
Last year, Beau was elsewhere. His Grade 1 teacher and the school principal decided they couldn’t manage Beau any longer. “Lack of impulse control, poor social skills, and aggression” were the charges. He was transferred here. Things haven’t changed in school or for Beau. He is still held to what are, for him, impossible behavioral expectations. Beau’s failure to meet these expectations continues to be approached in the same punitive manner.
Beau is a big boy. “Don’t I look like I should be in Grade 3?” he asked me one time. I agreed that he did. His teacher wouldn’t. Beau doesn’t read, write, and do math like any of the other students in Grade 2. In fact, he refuses. Instead, he reads Dog Man books while the others are reading, writing, or working on math. He seems happy with this and to be left alone. I asked him if he enjoys the book. “I’ve read it about 10 times already. I should.” His teacher is quite content with the arrangement. It beats trying to get him to do something he won’t.
I check in on Beau first thing this morning. He waves. Beau is seated, waiting for things to begin, leaning over the back of his chair watching the others come in. Beau’s desk faces the window. He can sit looking away from everyone if he wants. He often does want to, and this is okay with everyone. Beau is a trying and unpredictable classmate. This morning he asks if he can come with me first thing because he “hates music.” Later on, Beau’s class is in the library. Beau likes the library. He likes to read. He is not there. He is not out for the morning recess either. I ask his teacher. Music did not go well. By 8:30, he was in the main office. It is now 10:30, and Beau is sitting on a chair outside the principal’s office. There had been a push and then a shove in response to something Beau didn’t like. The principal is busy now but probably scolded Beau and told him he must “make better choices.” To reinforce the message, she has left him sitting with only his fidgeting to keep him busy. I meet many of the children I see like this, outside the principal’s office after both the deed and the discipline are done. It is puzzling why discipline and therapy are considered discrete interventions.
Beau often finds himself in these “make better choices” situations. Unfortunately, the approach the principal has taken this morning, scold and sit, is unhelpful. If these consequences were going to work, they would have already. Beau has demonstrated what can be described as a deficit in emotion and self-regulation skills. He is unable to manage his emotional response to different situations. He is unable to wait to act until thinking through the likely consequences of his actions, in other words, control his first impulse. Children who are good at this skill tend to respond to problems or frustrations with more thought than emotion. Children whose skill in this area is lagging, respond to frustrations with less thought and more emotion. They are unable to stem the emotional tide. Later, they can be remorseful for what happened when they were upset. Beau is not refusing to “make a better choice.” In the moment, he just cannot.
Emotion and self-regulation skill deficits can have disastrous consequences for students as Beau’s first and now second grade school experiences demonstrate that. But they are common among elementary school children, especially boys. Just as common are schools’ punitive attempts to correct students’ challenging behavior, to reverse a child’s apparent refusal to behave. Of course, the post-incident discussion with the offending student reinforces the approach. Calmed, the student will agree to make better choices next time; until next time comes. Again, it is not refusal but skill deficit that interferes with the good intention. It follows that it is the deficit that must be addressed, not the refusal.
The positive in this is that children reveal challenging behaviors early in school, at a time of development when early intervention and prevention work. The negative is that traditional disciplinary practices, detentions, suspensions, and loss of privileges are still the norm. The psychologist, Stuart Albion, and his colleagues (ThinkKids.org) have developed the Collaborative Problem Solving (CPS) approach to children who exhibit challenging behavior. It is based on the assumption that behaviorally challenged students want to behave. They cannot, however, because of a learning disability of sorts, not in reading, math, or writing, but in flexibility, frustration tolerance, and problem solving. The children are not refusing to behave any more than a child with a reading disability is refusing to read. The educator treats the child as any learning-disabled child would be treated. First is an assessment to determine what skill or skills the child lacks. Then the skills are taught in increments the child can handle. Collaborative problem solving requires a good, trusting relationship between adult and child, one that is not prefaced with a disciplinary intervention. It requires empathy; that is, the child is shown a compassionate attempt to understand the situation from the child’s point of view. It requires a collaboration between adult and child in guiding and learning a more adaptive way to regulate emotions and act effectively.
This is not to make light of the difficulties classroom teachers and school principals face maintaining positive and safe learning environments, and at the same time managing behavior challenges. It is to make clear that traditional, punitive strategies to change behavior rarely work long term.
A new school year always offers a chance to review and renew the ways we work with children. Those children who frustrate us and themselves because they do not meet our behavioral expectations, whose troubles make school unpleasant and perhaps fearful, are worthy of a new look. Maybe they need more than a scold and a sit. Otherwise, Beau and many like him in elementary school will continue to fail as learners, be permitted to opt out of academic activities, be given a window seat to the learning, and a book to read. Is it any wonder Beau does not like school?
Beau is 8 and in Grade 2, although he looks like he should be in Grade 3.
References
Ablon, J. S., & Pollastri, A. R. (2018). The school disciplines fix: changing behaviour using the collaborative problem solving approach. New York: W. W. Norton & Company, Inc.
Greene, R. W. (2021). The explosive child: a new approach for understanding and parenting easily frustrated, “chronically inflexible” children (6th ed.). New York: HarperCollins Publishers.
Kindlon, D. & Thompson, M. (2000). Raising Cain: protecting the emotional life of boys. New York: Random House Publishing Group.
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For the past 30 years, Bruce Gilbert has worked as a teacher, Educational Psychologist, and School Head in international schools in Africa, the Middle East, and Asia. He holds teaching credentials, graduate degrees in special education, counselling, and school administration, and a doctorate in educational psychology. He has retired from international education with the opportunity now to research and write about topics that have interested him over the years. Subjects include international school leadership, instruction, and children with academic and behavioral challenges.
